In need of a recharge

Struggling with depression, anxiety and horrible self-esteem is a never ending battle. It’s a battle I have fought since I was a kid. They’re crazy little demons that live inside of you. They are working in full force right now as I write this.

The key word is struggle. Every day is a battle within yourself to deal with every day tasks. Some days I can barely pull myself out of bed. Self care like brushing my hair and taking a shower become important goals to show myself some outer love when I am feeling inner hatred.

I am not really one for labels, but extroverted introvert seems to be the one closest to how I feel. If you look at my Facebook life I’m always on the go and appear very social. I love the things that I go and do, but they also help to enable my introversion. The best way to hide yourself is within a group with many extroverted personalities. I have found I can blend in and let others take the spotlight.

It’s a fake persona I put on for the world. I have to become an expert in appearance in social settings. Being quiet and withdrawn all the time doesn’t work. To function I need to build connections with other people. To do that I need to put out the energy and a kind appeal that I just don’t have. It’s exhausting!

Today, I had a great morning with friends. After being home for 20 minutes I broke down into depression mode. I got hyper sensitive. I feel like none of my friends like me, and I am someone that people tolerate out of pity. I feel stupid, not worthy of love, and disgusted by myself. Rationally, I know none of that is true. It is crazy how fast this abrupt change can come on and how heavy it makes you feel.

The worst though is my best friend and constant companion, anxiety. I do not know what a day without anxiety feels like. It cripples me emotionally and physically. My brain doesn’t know how to switch off. I am constantly thinking of all the ways that things could go wrong or have went wrong. I worry all the time. I worry about any and everything. The worst part is when you worry over so many things that never even happen. All the made up scenarios that my brain anticipated (especially before falling asleep) that never were a reason to worry in the first place.

I wasn’t sure why I was writing this post. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be this vulnerable. Then I thought maybe somebody else needs to hear this. Maybe somebody else is going through an experience like mine and knowing they are not alone will help them.

I hope that if you gain one thing from reading this it’s that we never truly know what people are going through. Appearances are deceiving. Everyone has their issues. You are not alone. Yinz love one another.

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