In need of a recharge

Struggling with depression, anxiety and horrible self-esteem is a never ending battle. It’s a battle I have fought since I was a kid. They’re crazy little demons that live inside of you. They are working in full force right now as I write this.

The key word is struggle. Every day is a battle within yourself to deal with every day tasks. Some days I can barely pull myself out of bed. Self care like brushing my hair and taking a shower become important goals to show myself some outer love when I am feeling inner hatred.

I am not really one for labels, but extroverted introvert seems to be the one closest to how I feel. If you look at my Facebook life I’m always on the go and appear very social. I love the things that I go and do, but they also help to enable my introversion. The best way to hide yourself is within a group with many extroverted personalities. I have found I can blend in and let others take the spotlight.

It’s a fake persona I put on for the world. I have to become an expert in appearance in social settings. Being quiet and withdrawn all the time doesn’t work. To function I need to build connections with other people. To do that I need to put out the energy and a kind appeal that I just don’t have. It’s exhausting!

Today, I had a great morning with friends. After being home for 20 minutes I broke down into depression mode. I got hyper sensitive. I feel like none of my friends like me, and I am someone that people tolerate out of pity. I feel stupid, not worthy of love, and disgusted by myself. Rationally, I know none of that is true. It is crazy how fast this abrupt change can come on and how heavy it makes you feel.

The worst though is my best friend and constant companion, anxiety. I do not know what a day without anxiety feels like. It cripples me emotionally and physically. My brain doesn’t know how to switch off. I am constantly thinking of all the ways that things could go wrong or have went wrong. I worry all the time. I worry about any and everything. The worst part is when you worry over so many things that never even happen. All the made up scenarios that my brain anticipated (especially before falling asleep) that never were a reason to worry in the first place.

I wasn’t sure why I was writing this post. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be this vulnerable. Then I thought maybe somebody else needs to hear this. Maybe somebody else is going through an experience like mine and knowing they are not alone will help them.

I hope that if you gain one thing from reading this it’s that we never truly know what people are going through. Appearances are deceiving. Everyone has their issues. You are not alone. Yinz love one another.

And the award goes to…

I have been a fan of awards shows since I was young. As a self proclaimed pop culture junkie, I wanted to soak it all in. I watched the MTV music and movie awards, the Almas, Critics Choice, Golden Globes, SAG awards, but most importantly, the Oscars.

The Academy awards are to me what the Super Bowl is to sports fans. I devour every second of it. I go hardcore geek and try to see as many of the nominated movies as possible. Then I make my own ballot and see how well I can predict the winners. I got to say I am pretty good. I love the emotions the performances can evoke in me. I love that a group of people can see the exact same movie and all come away with quite varying reactions.

This year there were so many wonderful stories to tell. Quite a few of the best picture nominees had strong females in the lead like Lady Bird, I,Tonya, The Shape of Water, and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. There was also some diversity with movies like Mudbound and Get Out, but still there’s a massive disparity in terms of race and gender. It is 2018. The movies we watch should reflect the people who are watching. Now should we cast POC and a certain gender just to be more inclusive? In my humble opinion, yes. That is exactly what Frances McDormand was talking about when she brought up inclusion riders in contracts. White movie goers, males in particular, have seen themselves on screen for years. They have had plenty of representation. Do you know why Black Panther and Wonder Woman did so well at the box office? We were finally represented! We were represented with good material that showcased our strengths and hardships. These movies had the budget to be done well and, more importantly, the coverage.

On the writing front, Jordan Peele and Greta Gerwig blew me away with Get Out and Lady Bird. I was cheering loudly at the screen when Peele won for best original screenplay. He was the first black writer to accomplish this. They are an inspiration to young writers who’ve been told that people won’t want to hear their stories because of who they are. All it takes is to get that one person in the right place at the right time to believe in your vision.

Overall, it was a pretty predictable Oscars. This year the same actors, actresses and movies were consistently winning. There was no dark horse to swoop in like last years best picture debacle. Sometimes predictable is good, but in certain categories I would have enjoyed a little upset. Best song was one of those categories. I knew Coco was going to win, but my heart wanted “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman. Oh well.

So anybody else out there a movie nut like me? Any wins or losses that surprised you? What did you think of this years crop? Yinz keep watching and get those acceptance speeches ready for next year. You never know.